Here’s the truth about weight loss. It’s fucking hard. It’s so damn hard. Because it’s a fight that goes on Every. Single. Bloody. Day. You have to choose to overcome the comfort of your bed, for the early morning exercise. You have to choose to educate yourself, to shop properly, to make time to make healthy food and to eat that and not the bad stuff. It’s hard because it’s so tied up in how we feel about ourselves at the very core of who we are. It makes you question your worth. It you make hate yourself. And if you don’t like yourself, how can anyone else. It can effect your relationships with other people and you can start pushing people away.
I lost about 40-50lbs when I first got married in 2010. I gained a little back, but have maintained it more or less. That’s good news. Now, I’ve trying to loose at least 20lbs (Doctors orders, I have sleep apnea), but ultimately want to loose 60lbs total, to get to 200lbs. Whereas the first period of weight loss seemed effortless, this time around, it’s torture. I just can’t get any traction. I keep loosing the same 5lbs over and over and over…
Granted, I have a child and full-time job, whereas before I was a student and my wife and I didn’t have our son yet. So, I had more flexibility in my schedule, to plan and execute a diet plan. I didn’t really even exercise that much.
Now, I’m just so tired, busy, and overwhelmed with life, that I barely have time to plan meals, let alone prep them. Weekends are a near busy (seriously, I need a 3 day weekend). I vacillate between feelings of hope and hopelessness. I don’t really remember the last time I felt really “strong”. That feeling you get when you feel totally committed, pumped up, and certain that your goal is achievable. I don’t even want to say I’m re-commiting, because how many times can someone recommit? You’re basically just training yourself to lie to yourself, so why continue with that pattern. It does more harm than good.
It’s true that I’m exhausted and with exhaustion comes emotional eating, or an attempt to gain more energy. Along with this comes the notion that ordering in is easier than cooking.
The guilt is rampant. Guilty about the time I’m loosing for my own life and for my family. Guilty about squandering the goodwill of my family and friends who have been so supportive of me through the years. They’ve lifted me up and carried me through the lows and cheered me on through the successes. I feel like I’ve let them down.
In other words, I feel horrible. I feel like I keep moving forward, but will just keep getting pushed down. I’m just too stubborn to admit defeat, so I foolishly just keep trying. That’s either admirable or folly, I guess only time will tell.
It’s so damn hard.